i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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