Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
