Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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