i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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