You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
