So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
