Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
