This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
