Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
