capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
