i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
