I puked a lego.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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