I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
