oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
