if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
