How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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