**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
