thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
