Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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