Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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