and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
