Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
