I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
