ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
