I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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