Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I AM VODKA MAN
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
