I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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