You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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