There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
