his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
