How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
