So drunk its hurt
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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