Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
