They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize