The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
