just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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