If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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