had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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