is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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