we have pet lesbian snakes
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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