I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
