my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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