Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
