I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
