Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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