don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
