if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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