I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
