i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
