i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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