Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
