I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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