There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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