1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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