Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
