I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
