I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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