somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The Olympian is in my bed
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
