Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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