foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
